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Now displaying: Page 1
Mar 22, 2016

Producer/Engineer: Bill Pollock

Editor: Sarah Rendo

Cover: Rob Mitchell

 

Oscar Wilde, one of the brightest wits the Emerald Isle ever burnished. In 1885 Wilde toured America with speaking engagements dotted across the country. Unfortunately, critics treated Wilde's performances like watermelon seeds spit in the face of a very wise turtle.

In fact the Kansas City Star gave his performance at the Coates opera house a bad review. They declared Wilde to be a spectacular nincompoop. As if that wasn't bad enough, Wilde was reviled for his off stage habits as well. In particular, they didn't like his hollow tooth.

Some said he kept jewels in his tooth. Others said he kept manuscripts in his tooth. A select and depraved few hinted that Wilde kept tiny baby teeth in his hollow tooth. This was an era when people were very secretive about their dental life and so rumor has it that almost no one, with the exception of Wilde's dentist, spoke about the hollow tooth.

Of course, one person did speak about it, and he spoke about it very rudely. Rumor has it that that person was Resse Rames.

Rumor has it that one person in particular gave Wilde a hard time, a famous bank robber named Resse Rames. Resse Rames had just lost to Wilde in several hands of horse mouse at the Monkey Tree Saloon. Frustrated at his mounting losses, Rames challenged Wilde to a boot drink.

Rames pulled the boot off his foot and poured seven bottles of whiskey past its tongue. When Wilde refused to join Rames grabbed Wilde by the mouth and pulled out his largest hollow tooth.

“Won't give you your stinky yellow tooth till you take off your boot!” Rames' said.

Wilde said, “Fine, you hideous oak! But you will be forever marred on the stage of life.”

And, without ever making eye contact with the bank robber, guzzled it down in a single gulp.

Resse Rames took his boot and filled it to the top but after three or four medium guzzles a wild jack donkey burst through the doors of the Monkey Tree Saloon.

The donkey was a tornado of saddled might, smashing every chair and stool with the might of its back legs. Everyone with half a brain molecule hopped behind the bar for safety. However Resse Rames froze up like a concrete turtle and the jack donkey stamped him with hoof prints on his chest.

After an errant kick of jubilation the donkey settled down at the bar and began to slurp out of Rames' boot.

Wilde heard the sound of the donkey slurping the last of Rames' guzzles and while everyone else remained motionless, Wilde walked around the bar. Wilde leaned over the dull lump of Rames' body and collected his hollow tooth from the top of the bar.

Wilde ran his fingers through the donkey’s mane and onto the horn of the saddle. The leather of the saddle crunched and crackled as Wilde lifted himself on to the back of the wild animal. Backing the pack animal up with a few clicks of his heels, Wilde lead the donkey away from the saloon and down a dusty West Bottom Street.

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