All Episodes
Now displaying: Page 1
May 17, 2016


Donnie and Ronnie Turtle were the first to sell gunk and they got rich doing it. After they got rich selling gunk, they started selling kid’s sunglasses (because no one was doing it) and they got even richer. After selling gunk and kid’s sunglasses they were richer than they ever imagined - Donnie and Ronnie then bought all the water in the county. The water was dirty so the Turtle brothers told the county they were going to clean it up and then sell it back to them. So the county sold them the water and the Turtle brothers processed it and started selling it back to the people of the county. It made the Turtles even richer but when they realized that no one else was selling water, they started selling cups of water for nine dollars and 20 gallons of shower water for ninety dollars.


Some people could afford to take a shower and drink a cup of water once a week. Other people could not and the Turtles became furious that those people were not buying. They were so irate they hired a hired man to investigate. The hired man discovered that the poor people were getting their water at a particular stream at a particular time.


When the hired man shared the news of what was happening the Turtle brothers were very upset.


Donnie Turtle said to Ronnie Turtle, “what should we do?”


And Ronnie said, “I don’t know. I don’t know.”


Then Ronnie asked Donnie Turtle, “Well, what should we do?”


And Donnie said, “I don’t know. I don’t know.”


Then the hired man said, “You know, I know another guy.  He’s good at kicking people into the river and sometimes hitting them with hammers. If you hired the other man the only people left in the county would be good, honest water buying people.”


The Turtle brothers said, “I like that - do that. Let’s celebrate with pound cake.”


After they ate a delicious pound cake the hired man contacted the other man and together they kicked all the poor people into the river. By morning there were no more poor people left in the county, so the Turtle brothers raised the price of water from eight dollars a cup to twelve dollars and the price of a shower from ninety dollars to one hundred and twenty dollars. Some people could afford to pay. Most people could not. Those that couldn’t were forced to walk around with their mouths open in hopes that a rain drop or two might fall in and quench their thirst. They called themselves the thirst quenchers.


When the Turtle brothers learned about the thirst quenchers who could not pay for water they sent the hired man and the other man to kill everyone who was walking underneath the clouds. In their minds, the rain in the clouds was the property of the Turtle brothers and the thirst quenchers were common thieves.


And so the hired man and the other man gathered their hammers and whacked everyone walking underneath the clouds. Sometimes they found people walking around on clear days and they thought about not killing them but then they realized that that’s exactly how a thirst quencher would hide-walking around in plain sight on a clear day without their mouth wide open. It was too obvious to ignore so the hired man and the other man whacked them too. By the time they were done they had eliminated all of their doubt and fear-no one was left to walk around with either their mouth open or closed.


Unfortunately when they were done the the Turtle brothers were the only ones left in the county. The Turtle brothers had no one left to buy their water and it made them very sad. The hired man and the other man reminded them that still had plenty of money and plenty of water to survive. This cheered up the Turtle brothers just a little and they asked the hired man and the other man to build a statue of them and then they changed the name of the county to Turtle County. After the hired man and the other man built the statue and held the ribbon for the ribbon cutting ceremony the Turtle brothers kicked them out too because they could not afford the new water prices.


Producer/Engineer: Bill Pollock

Editor: Sarah Rendo

Cover: Rob Mitchell


Adding comments is not available at this time.