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Apr 28, 2016

The Carolina Parakeet was the lone parrot species, west of the Appalachian Mountains. At the time of Lewis and Clark, the Carolina Parakeet and its bright green, yellow and red plumage filled the skies with glorious shenanigans. Unfortunately, the last Carolina Parakeet died alone in the Cincinnati Zoo in 1918.

 

The dwindling numbers of Carolina Parakeets were accelerated by a number of human beings in the 19th century, but Chonny Burpins almost single-handedly crapped on the southern bird’s path to extinction. At the zenith of powdered Victorian restraint, Burpins hid in bird costumes for hours waiting to pounce on bee hunters who unwittingly disturbed the habitat of the Carolina Parakeet.

 

She also stabbed hundreds of feather poachers. Sometimes in the face. Sometimes in the eyes. Always with icicles. No fingerprints. Even today, Carolina Parakeet Rejuvenation Scientist Community Encyclopedia describes Burpins as,  “a right handed Parakeet defender living with a left handed person’s brain. Also, maybe she killed a few dum-dums every once in a while.”

 

One day while waiting at Kaw Point she spotted local bee hunter, Donnie Turtle. Donnie Turtle whistled as he carried a honeypot towards a rotting tree trunk. The trunk was full of Carolina Parakeets and as Turtle approached the tree, birds burst from the top of the tree like green smoke rising from a chimney.

 

As Turtle reached in to pull out a honeycomb, Chonny Burpins emerged from her camouflage of dookie-colored logs.

 

“Don’t do that!” Burpins said, and she thought about stabbing him in the eye and the face with a rusty nail but something happened in her heart and instead she took a handful of leaves and stuffed them in Donnie Turtle’s virigin honeypot. She pulled them out, covered in sweet goo, and began to paste Donnie Turtle against the tree one leaf at a time. Donnie Turtle resisted and she pinched his nose, very, very hard until he farted quite extremely.

 

“You will stay here until you learn the ignorance of your ways. Consider the woods your school and you the sticky, farting, unwilling pupil”

 

Donnie Turtle stayed honey glued to the tree trunk for nine days. On the tenth day he said, “Please let me go I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

Burpins quickly unpealed Turtle from the tree and within 36 hours Donnie Turtle began dressing as a bird and hiding behind rotting tree trunks as well.

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