Producer/Engineer: Bill Pollock
Editor: Sarah Rendo
Cover: Rob Mitchell
Derrick Thomas was a great football player for the Kansas City Chiefs. His football coaches knew he was fast so they nicknamed him the Falcon. In one game, the Falcon sacked the quarterback a record seven times. The Falcon was a legend but tragically his life was cut short in a fatal car crash.
When he passed away a void was created in the football shaped hearts of thousands, but within a few short days birds began to hover near the milemarker that claimed Thomas’s life. First, it was only a few hairy rats with wings and their night bat friends. Then, it was all the pigeons and doves who like to eat popcorn out of the trash. Thirdly, all the cardinals and bluejays and all the other seed suckers flapped over. Fourthly, all the hawks showed up with fresh mouse meat blood dangling from their beaks. Before long every bird of every species and every feather was lording over the highway.
Most drivers passed through the tunnel of feathers but not Donnie Turtle. Donnie Turtle had drank an entire trashcan full of beer. His friends tried to stop him from driving but he punched them in their dumpholes and said,
“Donnie gonna do what Donnie gonna want to do.”
When he hit the highway, he began to swerve between lanes. The giant congress of birds swooped closer to his van and began to sing.
“Pull over! Be safe! Don't drive! Pull over.”
When he did not stop the birds began pecking at his windshield. Peck. Peck. Peck.
“We can see inside your soul. You are dangerous. You are a dangerous man. Pull over!”
Turtle replied “You turkeys don’t know nothing!” and kept on driving wildly down the highway.
Out of nowhere a brilliant falcon wearing a football jersey appeared. “Clear a path!” the falcon squawked.
The falcon dumped all over Turtle’s windshield making it impossible to see. Finally, as the white sludge covered his entire car, Turtle pulled the van over and took a long nap.
Seven hours later Turtle woke up and realized what had happened. Tears streaming down his face, Turtle thanked the falcon who had saved his life and pledged to be the safest driver in the history of the world. After the solemn oath was made Turtle scraped the crap off his windshield and ate seven burritos. He never told anyone what had happened but he donated to the Audubon society